Thursday, March 4, 2010

takdir. ketidakadilan. penat. kecehewa. sakit hati

mungkin sudah takdir. tak dapat balik beraya, tak dapat blik tgk kubur matua. org ckp hidup macam pantai. ombak tak tentu pasang surutnya. sentiasa berubah.tapi, bila badai melanda, semua jadi terumbang ambing. aku cuba paut pada sesuatu, aku tak tahu bila tp rupaya dia makan diri aku. aku bukanlah orang yg mengunakan org len utk kesenangan sendiri. aku tak suka berjanji kalau sukar untuk aku tepati. mungkin salah aku sebab aku yg alpa dalam kesibukkan diri. yalah. mungkin orang tak nampak kan.. tp itulah lumrah kejadian sebenar. tatak semua perkara yang dirancang itu jadi. tak semua perkara itu pasti. tapi aku kecewa, bila ada mereka yg aku rasa patut di sula. sakit hati bila ketidakadilan berlaku. rasanya semua falls atas aku. mcm aku sorng sj yg wujud dan boleh melakukan semuanya. tp aku pasrah, suara ku bukan seperti mereka, mungkin pada mereka aku tak perlu utk dihormati, takperlu didengari tak perlu diikuti.aku pasrah. biarlah apa pn terjadi aku tetap sayangkan mereka mcm famili sendiri. yalah.. aku dah jauh sekarang.. i hv nobody.. merkalah hidup aku. sekali, dua, tiga dan seterusnya... sakit lagi.. mungkin aku yang terlalu sensitif, mungkin aku yang terlalu baik. mungkin topeng perlu dialihkan sekarang. sebelum keadaan parah. tp 4 real, aku pasrah. dalam kesibukkan kerja yang tak sudah, pasti ada kecelaruan dan ketidakpuasan hati. aku masih begini. ingat buat cool tp sampai bila... kerja last minit dah jd satu ikon wajib. kesannya aku terima saban hari. sibuk, sakit hati dan tak tahu nak buat apa..mungkin orng lain tgk aku mcm robot, takrasa apa2. lapar makan,penat tidur. tapi mereka lupa. aku manusia biasa. punya hati dan perasaan. kadangkala aku butuh pertolongan, tapi senyap. tangunggjawab? aku cuba jalankan sebaiknya. tp bila kita cuba membantu yg lain, kesempatan diambil lagi, aku tersepit. sedih kecewa. bila itu kerja bersama tp... aku rasa tak payah ckp pn org tahu. aku tak terasa nak menconteng ke muka siapa2. cukuplah aku yg rasa dia pn terasa. kalau kebal jugak, aku tak tahu nak kata apa.. aku dah kurang tidur kebelakangan ini. bukan insomnia.. tak.. cuma kerja yg berlambak tak bagi aku tidor... di kala org len diulit mimpi dan bergembira sebab cuti aku mcm org gila dgn droopy eye wat keja. aku tgk muka aku kat cermin. aku ka 2?? mungkin aku perlu tidur. aku tidur, nightmare! aku tak mampu...mesti siap juga. tapi aku dah nak termuntah2... bila berlaku sesuatu dan kita selamat, itu tandanya kita diberi peluang kedua, mungkin tuhan nak bagi the taste of hell.. biar nnti taubat masuk syurga. 2 readers, mngking korng x paham apa yg ak tulis, tp ni sekadar luahan perasaan. kalau tak luah ak takut benanah parah... aku tak tahu sejak bila aku terer mengarang. tp aku perlu! biar terluah semua yang terbuku. buku novel, ensyklopedia, buku atkins, campbell biar kuar suma.. kerja sama, bantu membantu,tanggung jawab, sakit hati, berterus terang.. tapi tida jalan penyelasaian. aku jahat sebab post note nih tp.. aku perlu puas.. sekarang aku rasa sakit macam senggugut. kejap ada, kejap tiada. bila sakit, rasa tercabut uterus.. mcm 2 lah.. takdir jugak bila ada perkara perlu ditnggalkan sebab kekanggan perkara len. em.. mungkin aku perlu bersabar... tapi sabar aku dah di tahap tertinggi. mungkin aku akan jd seperti gunung berapi di Hawaii.. atau akan mengalami gegaran otak mcm Haiti.. entahla...

20 comments:

TMUkmkd said...

kuburnya tetap disitu kan?
ada masa nanti lawat la :)
biar tiada di mata jangan tiada di hati

FirhanAbqari said...

cool ja...:)

Cik Jijah said...

sabar ye wani....
student life mmg mencabar..hoho

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